That Indian Guy!: Sid and Aisha- Swapping Lives For a Night- Part 1
It was a Friday evening. Sid and Aisha sat on a couch in the “Marine Halt” cafe sharing a sandwich.
“So how come you don’t have plans for tonight?”, asked Sid, his mouth half full.
“Every one of my friends has some couples’ shit going on tonight. And here’s me, sitting with a straight guy and not even attempting to hook up with a girl tonight.”
“You do realize you’re saying all this out loud right? And I’m not forcing you to hang out with me! I’m just that good for company”, said Sid with a cheeky smile.
Aisha rolled her eyes, “Don’t flatter yourself. And why aren’t doing anything?”
“Same shit. The guys are going out with their girlfriends. I hate tagging along when i’m the only single guy.”
“Boo-hoo! You have no idea how frustrating being single really is! You know Karishma right? She was my first girlfriend. Ever! And that was when i was 22!”
“I’m sorry”, Sid smiled sympathetically. “But I haven’t asked you this before. When did you actually come out?”
“Well i didn’t really come out as much as i did make a public statement.”
“What do you mean?”
“When I was in the twelfth grade, a sixth grader walked into the girls’ bathroom and saw me giving my friend oral. That bitch was scarred forever”, said Aisha with a straight face.
Sid’s mouth dropped open. “Wow seriously?”, he asked, his eyes glistening with the excitement of a horny 13 year old who had just seen his first naked boob.
“No dumbass!”, a thin smile spread over Aisha’s face. “Wow do all straight guys really find girl on girl action that hot?”
“Not really”, said Sid with a disappointed face, “But just the thought of you being caught while giving oral. Good shit. So how did you really come out?”
“Twelfth grade, mom and dad were fighting as usual one evening. I wanted to shut them up. So i told them that i’m a lesbian. Funniest moment EVER!”, Aisha laughed.
But Sid could make out a streak of pain in her laugh. She seemed to be laughing at her own misery, her own sense of disappointment in herself during those years of her life.
“You have no idea Sid”, said Aisha, her tone becoming nostalgic, “It’s hard being a social outcast. Thank God I live in Mumbai where the situation is becoming a little better for us. But sometimes I used to wish that I could just suck a dick and change my life.”
“Me too”
“What?!”
“I don’t know. I just wanted to say something nice at that moment and those are the only words which came out”, said Sid with an innocent, embarrassed look.
Aisha laughed. Genuinely this time. “You’re so fucking awkward Siddarth Kapoor!, so fucking awkward!”
“Hey, I have an idea. Lets exchange lives for once!”, Sid said, with a strange look of enlightenment.
“What?”
“You said that I have no idea what it is being homosexual, right? So how about I turn gay for tonight and you turn straight!”
“It doesn’t work like that dumbass”, Aisha said, starting to lose interest in what he was saying.
“No hear me out! We go to a club tonight. I’ll pretend to be gay and try to successfully hit on a gay guy. You pretend to be straight and try to hit on a straight guy! Let’s see if it works out!”
Aisha smiled. She knew it would be fun. “Might as well do it. It’s better than just sitting here and doing nothing at all. Alright Sid Kapoor, go put on your best clothes. And I’m gonna put on my sluttiest clothes! We leave in an hour!”
They hi-fived each other and got up to leave, both of them wondering how the night would pan out.
Source: teri-maa-ki-biriyani
That Indian Guy!: Sid and Aisha- The Hot Girl in the Café
Siddharth and Aisha sat on a couch in the “Marine Halt” cafe in Bandra*, sipping their coffees.
“Anyway”, Sid said, “My cousin arrived today. She’s meeting me at the Chrome Lounge in a couple of hours.”
“Oh where’s she from?”
“Delhi.” Sid made a disgusted face. “I just hate people from Delhi in general. The girls are bitches and the guys are douchebags.”
Aisha laughed. “You’re just jealous because the Delhi guys are way hotter than you and Delhi girls are way out of your league!”
“Pfft Yeah…uh…ok…Um you must be…Fuck who am i kidding, of course they’re out of my league. I don’t even know if i have a league.”
“Stop fishing for compliments asshole”
“Hey you know you could spare me a compliment or two! It’s not like girls walk past me, tap my ass and say, ‘Well done!’”
“Yeah I don’t think any girl does that to any guy! I surely as fuck am not doing it to you!”
“Just to make sure that we’re on the same page, you’re still my best friend right?”, Sid asked sarcastically.
“Yeah I’m your best friend. Not your Mom. Anyway, are you both really close?”
“I haven’t spoken to her since i was 4. I’ve just seen her a couple of times.”
“The fuck?”
“Look”, Sid said, “My mom and my aunt weren’t really on good terms all these years. After my grandfather died, all the shit involving his property led to a huge fight and so they didn’t speak to each other all these years and neither did our families meet. Only recently they reconciled. So this cousin of mine is coming to Mumbai for a job interview and my mom asked her to meet me.”
“I love family drama!”, Aisha said, “It’s so much fun to hear family members bitch about each other! So what’s your cousin’s name?”
Sid laughed. “I have no clue! Everyone calls her Dinku. But that’s not her real name”
Suddenly Sid’s eyes darted to someone behind Aisha. A beautiful girl had just entered the cafe and found a seat next to the window across from Sid.
Aisha caught him staring and looked behind. She turned back to face Sid and said, “I’ll give you a 1000 bucks if you hook up with her.”
“You’re joking right?”
“Nope. I’m very serious”, said Aisha smiling. “You get her to go back with you to your apartment, and you’ll find a 1000 rupee* note under your door.”Sid was a fairly good looking guy. But he was very unlucky when it came to girls. Then again, he was also very low on cash. Aisha knew she had him.
“Alright! Watch and learn Aish! Just watch and learn!”, he said as he got up and cracked his knuckles.
“Yeah, I really don’t need any tips from you on how to pick up girls. I’ve slept with more girls in the last month than you have in the last 6 months.”, Aisha smiled knowingly at Siddharth.
Sid glared at her, as he walked over to the table where the girl was sitting at.
Sid had known Aisha for the past 4 years. They had completed their MBA from the same college in the same batch. Sid had tried kissing her at a bar one night not knowing that she was a lesbian and got rightly slapped for it. But ever since that incident they had developed a beautiful friendship based on acceptance, trust and an unhealthy competition to see who could get more girls.
“Hey is someone else going to sit here?”, Sid asked the girl.
“Uh no”
“Good”, he said and promptly sat down before the girl could even protest.
“Hi I’m Sid”, he said and extended his hand.
The girl smiled feebly and hesitatingly shook his hand. “Hi, I’m Diksha.”
“Hi Diksha. Sorry this is usually my designated seat whenever I come here. And I was kinda missing it, so I hope you don’t mind me sitting here”, Sid said smiling.
“Oh that’s no problem. If I’m interrupting your romance with your favorite seat, I don’t mind getting another seat”, she replied with a straight face.
“Oh not at all, I in fact never have company. So you’re a welcome change.”
Diksha smiled. “So what else do you do other than hit on girls in this café?”, she asked.
“Just to let you know, I don’t really talk to girls in this café. I live in an apartment right above and I come here everyday. The last thing I want is to mess things up with a girl and have awkward encounters with her again over here.”
“Well by that theory you shouldn’t be talking to me either.”
“That’s true. But I haven’t paid my rent in a month and I have a feeling that my landlord is going to kick me out in a week. So even if I do screw something up, it won’t matter because I won’t be coming here.”, Sid smiled impishly.
Diksha laughed.
They spoke for a while. Sid found Diksha fun to talk to. She wasn’t uncomfortable with the fact that they had just met, and had no problem striking up a conversation with a stranger. And, she was intelligent. Not in an academic way, but in that she chose not to focus on superficial conversation and instead talked sensibly about issues which she felt strongly about. After a while, Sid said, “Hey so, you wanna come up to my apartment?”
“And why would I wanna do that?”, Diksha asked
“Well, I have a pet you might like to play with”
“Oh a little too straightforward there, don’t you think?”, Diksha said smiling slyly.
Sid’s face turned red with embarrassment. “Uh..sorry..Um..I didn’t meant it in that way. I actually do have a talking pet parrot.”
“That parrot better talk! Or I’m walking out!”, said Diksha as they got up to leave.
Apparently talking pet parrots are chick magnets. Maybe it sang a song, maybe it recited a poem, but 15 minutes into being in the apartment, Sid and Diksha were on the bed making out.
Suddenly Diksha’s gaze fell upon her watch and she screamed.
Sid immediately got off her, alarmed. “What?! Did I do something wrong! I’m sorry that I bit your thigh. Usually girls find that sexy!”
“No, it’s nothing you did”, said Diksha, as she straightened out her clothes. “Oh and I did find that sexy. But i’m supposed to meet someone at this place called Chrome Lounge, in like 10 minutes. I’m sorry. I totally forgot about it”
“That’s no problem”, said Sid. “You’re in luck! I’m going there too! I’ll give you a ride!”
“That would be great! Thank you so much! I don’t know where it is! I know nothing about this city!”
“What do you mean you don’t know anything about this city?”, asked Sid.
“Oh I’m actually from Delhi. I’ve just come to Mumbai for a job interview and I’m meeting my cousin at this lounge.”
Sid’s face became expressionless. He couldn’t believe his own pathetic luck. But he decided not to panic just yet. He still had one thing to clarify before he realized his worst nightmare.
Stammering his way through the word, he whispered, “Dinku?”
Now it was Diksha’s turn to be scared. “How do you know my nickname? Only my family members call me that!”
Sid lost all control of his emotions. As if lifeless, he crumbled to his knees. Tears started forming in his eyes. Not tears of sadness. Tears of utter embarrassment. He remembered all those times when he would talk with his friends about people who committed incest, with contempt. He had come unbelievably close to hating himself for the rest of his life. He looked at her one last time in the eye and pointed to himself. “Siddharth”, he croaked.
Diksha looked at him in stunned silence, putting together the series of events which had just taken place and tying them all to the fact that she and Sid were first cousins. After she had a fair understanding of what the situation at hand was, she went into a frenzy of rage and depleted every swear word in her vocabulary.
“Are you fucking kidding me Siddharth?”, she screamed. “I’m your fucking cousin! How the fuck did you not recognize me!”
“Hey I could ask you the same question! And you weighed like a 100 kilograms when you were 4 years old! And now you’re body is fucking gorge- That’s not the point, but i haven’t seen you in a long time and..”
“You’re fucking disgusting! I don’t want anyone to know about this. Anyone! I’m telling your parents that i’ll live in a hotel instead.”
Siddharth nodded in agreement. He really didn’t want to see this girl again and anything which would keep them from even crossing paths, was fine with him.
“And the both of us”, Diksha said, “We’re never going to talk to each other again!”
“Ok, and for whatever it’s worth, I’m really sorry.”
“Save it, asshole.” She picked up her bag and stormed out of the apartment.
Siddharth walked slowly towards the door and closed it. He stood there wondering why he was so unlucky when it came to girls. And this was the limit. If there was one tiny, little positive which came out of this whole fucked up encounter, it was that he knew he couldn’t get any unluckier. Finding your sister hot and making out with her without knowing that she’s your sister, is just the worst it can get for a guy who wants a hookup. He had reached the very bottom of this pit of embarrassment. All he had to do was stay there for the rest of his life and never attempt to climb out of it.
From the corner of his eye he noticed something being slid under his door.
It was the 1000 rupee note, which Aisha had promised him.
He looked at it for a few seconds, turned back and went towards his bed. Sleep was his only respite.
*TERMS
*Bandra- an urban area in the city of Mumbai in India.
*rupee- the currency used in India (currently, 56 rupees equals a dollar)
Source: teri-maa-ki-biriyani
The F.O.B.: Episode 2- Syracuse
A blast of cold air hit me as i stepped off the plane onto the jetway. Yup, all the cold i had ever wanted, I would find here in Syracuse.
I walked out the jetway expecting to be greeted by big American bosoms in my face. Nope. The airport was unbelievably small. And unbelievably deserted. The only life forms included two old male security guards and a few cleaning ladies. An Indian from India thinks of America and expects everything to be big, massive, and lavish. You don’t really anticipate the existence of a small town like Syracuse which survives largely off the money generated by the university.
I collected my suitcases from what appeared to be the only baggage conveyor belt in the airport and headed out to catch a cab to the main campus for the international students orientation. It was chilly. I was wearing a woolen coat and still felt inadequately dressed for a 65 degree weather.
A cab pulled up to me and the driver got out to open the trunk. I couldn’t contain my happiness when i saw a brown face. You always feel some excitement when you see someone from your land in a foreign land. It’s like you’re fighting a battle alone and suddenly you find another soldier who’s on your side. But this particular brown face would be a very important one over my four year stay in Syracuse.
“Hello Brother! How you doing?”. “Indian and Punjabi”, i thought to myself judging by his accent”. “I’m fine”, I said, quickly putting my bags in the trunk, eager to feel the warmth of the taxi. I went to open the back door, when the driver said, “Come sit in front brother!”
”In front?”, i thought to myself. My Indian prejudices kicked off. “Who sits in front in a taxi? A driver always sits alone in the front while the customer sits in the back.
But i had a feeling that things are going to be a little different in America and so i got into the front seat without any questions asked or any hesitating glances. Looking back at all the differences i found between life in both these countries, this taxi incident is just one of the 1000 other differences i would find out during my 4 years in college.
“So you wanna go to main campus?”, he asked in a friendly tone.
“Yes please”.
“Ok brother no problem, no problem….So where you from?
“Uh..I’m from India”
“Nahin yaar*, Where in America are you from?”
I gave him a quizzical look and answered, “No, i’m straight from Bangalore in India. I’ve lived there my whole life.”
I wasn’t expecting the reaction that followed.
“Arre waah brother! Haath milao yaar! Main toh samajh raha tha ki aap yahin kahin se hain! Sorry sorry”.* He extended his hand for a handshake and i shook it, rather amused to hear someone speaking in Hindi to me.
“So, My name is Irrfan, what’s your name?”
“My name is Nikhil. And where are you from?”
“Ji, I’m from Karachi, Pakistan”.
You know those moments when all your preconceived notions are blown to the ground like a pack of cards and seem so ignorant? Yeah i had that moment. How stupid I felt for thinking that the only brown people in America would be Indian. But i also was amazed. Because in the 18 years of my life, I had never met a Pakistani before.
“So it’s good weather ya?”, he asked. I smiled and looked at him, waiting for him to burst out laughing at his joke. He didn’t. He actually was serious about the “good weather”.
”Good weather? It’s so cold!”
Irrfan laughed and said, “Brother, if you’re finding this cold, then you better buy better jackets for the winter or you will freeze when you step outside!”
Another person telling me about the hellish Syracuse winter. That’s just great.
The rest of the taxi ride was spent talking about Bollywood* actors and movies. We had a debate about whether Shahrukh Khan was better or Salman Khan, Irrfan vouching for the latter. He spoke about the deteriorating quality of the story in hindi movies and I decided to keep my mouth shut on that issue because we clearly had conflicting opinions. But what i could make out was that he was a genuinely nice guy. You tend to latch on to those who give you even the remotest feeling of home. And he was one of those people. The taxi ride also brought up the fact that taxi drivers here are very different from those in India. They make conversation with you and you’re expected to talk more than just exchange a few pleasantries.
When I finally reached my destination he gave me his card and asked me to call him whenever I needed to go anywhere. He would be the only taxi driver I called during the four years. The cab fee came to $36. I didn’t have change and nor did he. Painfully acknowledging that i was losing 200 rupees*, I asked him to keep the rest of the $4. He graciously accepted it, thanked me and drove off.
It would become a routine for me to tip him $4 on every single taxi ride after this one.
********** TERMS
*”Nahin yaar”- No, my friend (in the hindi language)
*”Arre waah brother! Haath milao yaar! Main toh samajh raha tha ki aap yahin kahin se hain! Sorry sorry” - Wow brother, Give me a handshake my friend! I thought you were from around here! Sorry, sorry (in the hindi language)
*Bollywood- The hindi film Industry in India, based in the city of Mumbai
*rupee- the currency in India, currently, 56 rupees equals 1 dollar
Source: thefobstory
The sequence of songs for my very own 90s Bollywood movie
Heroine’s Intro Song: Mere Khwabon Mein Jo Aaye (Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmTWjT3wG8M
Hero’s intro song: O O Jaane Jaana (Pyaar Kiya Toh Darna Kya)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KagVB5NG7qw
Hero and heroine meet for the first time and it’s…
Source: teri-maa-ki-biriyani
If I played Shahrukh Khan's character in these movies..
Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge: I would put out my hand to try and help Simran get on the train but my clammy palms would give away and let her hand slip. The doors would close. I would never meet Simran again. Dilwale Khaali Haath Reh Jayenge.
Kuch Kuch Hota Hai: After realizing that I just hit…
Source: teri-maa-ki-biriyani
How Technology Killed Me
My project for my Writing 205 class which demonstrates my argument for as to how the internet and technology are diminishing the importance of face-to-face contact and will consequently destroy our relationships.
Source: teri-maa-ki-biriyani
http://teri-maa-ki-biriyani.tumblr.com/post/21190965279/pyaar-ki-sabse-puraani-problem-ki-dog-log-hamesha
Pyaar ki sabse puraani problem. Ki dog log hamesha ek doosre se pyaar nahin karte. Lekin agar aisa nahi hota toh socho kaisa hota. Agar tum kisi se pyaar karo aur woh bhi tumse hi pyaar kare. Naa koi dard, naa koi pareshaani, naa koi aansoon, aur naa koi baichaini. Zindagi kitna aasaan ho jaata. Lekin, pyaar bhi kitna aasaan ho jaata. Aur yeh mujhe manzoor nahin. Pyaar agar aasaan ho jaata toh pyaar ki keemat bahut kam hoti. Aur aisi duniya mein jeene ka kya faayda jahaan pyaar ki keemat koi naa jaane?
Source: teri-maa-ki-biriyani
I shouldn’t have searched the “hindu” tag. Now i’m all pissed off.
lord give me strength
/not amused.
but…but why? if you’re not even hindu why do something related to the hindu religion?
it’s like a jewish person taking communion. “This is the blood and the body of the savior you do not believe in!”
I don’t understand what’s so wrong about her deciding to wear a bindi? If she wants to a wear it, then she can. Why would anyone need to question her why she’s doing something related to Hinduism when she’s not even Hindu? What’s wrong with that? It’s like saying that Christians can’t enter a Hindu temple because they’re not Hindu.
Haha, that is so silly! So what if she isn’t HINDU?! Does this mean if you’re not Catholic you can’t give or receive presents on Christmas? C’MON, BRO!
HOW ABOUT NO, BRO! Her wearing a Bindi is equivalent to my brother wearing a yarmulke because he thinks it looks cool even though he’s Muslim.
Entering a place of worship and wearing an item that has religious/cultural significance are 2 completely different things.Haha, alright, well I get what you’re saying. You’re obviously a hardcore believer in your religion and I can respect that, but there is absolutely no harm in this girl wearing a bindi or your brother wearing a yarmulke. Welcome to the 21st century. Religion is not what it once was. People are free to choose what they believe in, to have their own voice/opinion, to wear whatever they please! If it upsets you that much that this girl wants to have a design in the middle of her eyebrows, I really feel sorry for you. I know people who were baptized and believe in Atheism. My brother claims to be a Buddhist but he still says his prayers and grace. I personally find myself to be Agnostic but I wear my W.W.J.D. bracelet almost everyday. There are hundreds of religions. They almost all have similarities. I just don’t understand your concern with it. Maybe you’re not from America? ‘Cause just a heads up, over here I don’t think anyone would get their panties in a bunch over a dot.
Maybe I’m not from America? Great racist way to end your idiotic rant. Just because Religion isn’t “as it once was” to you, doesn’t meant it’s not to other people. It’s culture appropriation, just like wearing a native headdress. It’s not some new-age shit that’s fun to do or some piece of jewelry that you can slap on your forehead. You will never ever know the oppression that south asian women have suffered because of what we wear, such as the bindi. You have to take everything along with it.
As Bonjoursex put it: It is in fact stealing from my culture, which is why Indian women rarely wear bindis anymore. Western culture invaded and at first, bindis were used by English colonizers to single out, demean, and dehumanize Indian women. Then, Gwen Stefani or whoever decided they were a cute way to show how in tune with her spirituality she was, and this bindi trend BLEW UP. And in India, all of a sudden, bindis were being produced simply to be novelty items for Western (primarily white) girls who wanted to be “unique” or “explore themselves.” (Yet another way to show how white privilege exists in all corners of the globe.) In this way, the West’s cultural appropriation of the bindi DESTROYED all meaning behind something that once meant so much to my culture. If I wear a bindi, people will most likely think that I am wearing it to make a statement, or to “express myself” or some such bullshit because Western appropriation has erased the meaning of the bindi.
STOP WEARING SOMETHING THAT ISN’T YOURS.
I hate people who bring up the excuse of culture and history just to find fault with a person. This girl at least made an effort to try and find out the partial meaning behind the significance of the bindi. Let’s get into today’s meaning of the bindi to Hindu women. If you go to India and ask the youth or even some of the older generation, they won’t be able to tell you the historical significance of the bindi. For them it is as much a decorative item as it is for the rest of the world. And guess what, they have no fucking problem if people from other cultures wear the bindi. And what is the historical significance of the bindi? It symbolizes the third eye which ties to intellect and the red color also symbolizes the good fortune and honor which the bride brought to her family. It has nothing to do with “oppression” which south asian women have faced.
Today, the bindi has evolved into simply an object of decorative purposes.
And while on the topic of “not wearing what’s not yours”, there are so many hindu youngsters in India who wear the cross and tattoo religious symbols from other cultures on themselves. Tab tum log kuch nahin kehte?! All you fucking NRIs (Non returning Indians) love to pass comments on how Americans deface our culture but you don’t comment on how your own people are doing the same thing to other cultures. It’s very easy to sit in America and say all this shit. Visit your country and get to know the opinions of the people there. And no, your little summer vacation doesn’t count as anything. FUCK! Being Indian and knowing India are two completely different things! And i’m Hindu just in case you think i’m trying to justify some other religion or culture.
Source: faineemae
You..
I don’t need to describe you. It’s a cumbersome task to describe a person who embodies every single quality you would want in your dream girl. Of course i experience the embarrassingly sweaty palms, the “butterflies”, and do a quick check to see if i look good enough to stand next to, when you…
Source: teri-maa-ki-biriyani
